and I think what disturbed me the most was how little it disturbed me at all. 

Intellectually I understand what’s going on. I can see that the entire process is brainwashing and forced socialization, and I know that it’s supposed to shock me and make me extremely uncomfortable, but it all feels natural to me. Like, I’ve reached that point where I can step back and see things from an outsider  or sociological perspective, and so I can see the manipulation that’s happening and recognize it as wrong, but as far as that innate feeling of right/wrong goes… I just don’t feel it. And the reason for that is, minus the ritualistic chanting and sobbing that was pretty similar to my own childhood.

Within the first five minutes of the woman preaching about the world I had flashbacks of being a kid and of this one particularly outspoken member of our church. Everything the “crazy Evangelical” woman said in the documentary mimicked something that particular woman said at my church. I immediately identified her and identified with her because, I mean, that was one of the primary influences I had as a child.

 Honestly I’d say nearly every concept they explored in this documentary was something I was taught at some point, and every person depicted reflects someone from my childhood. Seriously. The comments on evolution, creationism, abortion, government, prayers in school… all of it. Most of the beliefs they held were the same beliefs I was taught every Sunday and Wednesday for the first 18 years of my life. The spiritual leaders and kids reminded me of my own church camp experienced, albeit mine weren’t as extreme.

My congregation was a somewhat more liberal part of the Church of Christ (my denomination), and my family was thankfully one of the most liberal families at the church, so my indoctrination process was not nearly as intense and unyielding as these kids. There were still people in my life like that, tho, like the home-schooled families who didn’t allow their kids to read Harry Potter or watch the Golden Compass I think it was because they were atheistic and dealt with magic. Like, I realize how crazy that is but it doesn’t feel crazy to me because that’s just how my life was. What took the cake though (and really freaked me out) was that one of the kids in the documentary was wearing a t-shirt from a Bible camp I attended as a kid. 

And so yes this form of Christianity was admittedly more extreme then the denomination I was raised in with their speaking in tongues and the sobbing and clapping in church. We were always taught that worship was a sacred act and so things like that weren’t appropriate ever. It was funny actually because in the documentary this little girl said something to the effect of, “There are real churches and then there are dead churches, and the dead churches are were people just come in and sing low and they don’t feel it or get into it while the real churches are clapping and jumping and praising God. And he isn’t in both churches, he only comes to the ones who invite him in the right way.” and she was so condescending about it, you know? And the thing is my immediate reaction to that was, “Actually you’ve got it backwards, the authentic churches are the ones that make worship sacred instead of a performance piece-” only then I stopped myself and realized that I’d done exactly what she had, in the same tone with the same attitude. I’d said I’m right your wrong na na na na in the exact same way without even thinking about it, and that scared the crap out of me.

Since leaving home my views on religion and my own faith have shifted dramatically, but there is still something fundamentally familiar and ‘safe’ about the things said in that documentary. I don’t agree with most of them now, but oddly enough only one or two times did I feel that uncomfortable, “wow this is awful,” feeling. Everything else just sounded like things I’d heard my entire life. I don’t even know man. This gave me a lot of things to think about.